I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
