Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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