on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's shark week go big or go home
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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