Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
