Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
