my phone needs a breathalizer
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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