Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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