Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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