there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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