you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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