ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
