VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
