is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
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Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
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I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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