i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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