Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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