Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
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Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
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But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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