you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
