So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
