tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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