then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
