my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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