i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
