I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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