my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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