So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
