Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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