your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
