The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
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If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
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Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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