Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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