He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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