all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
where are you?
Hypothermia
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
