Will you blow on my dice?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
