I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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