i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
