just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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