I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
