sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
