Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
