my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
