I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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