I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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