I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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