He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
