Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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