four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
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I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
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it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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