Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Randomize
