We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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