I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
