Fine. I'll sleep in my office
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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