I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
