Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Randomize
