Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
