i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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