I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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