Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
